Time: The Ultimate Bastard

    When it was finally made clear that I could go on the internet, post my many adjective filled thoughts, and get some interest, I had to figure out where to start. I could have started with my workplace. I could have started with my views of government. I could have started with a blistering rant about religious fundamentalists.
  But I didn't. Not that I won't get to these subjects, and many more, but I'm a bit burned out on my usuals. I'm getting old. Not really old in the whole scheme of things, but i'll be turning 30 this year. so I figured that I would address how that particular fact is bugging me a bit lately.
  I'm not afraid of getting old. When I say old, I mean that point in your life when your exhausted body is ready to give it up. On the contrary, I look forward to my senior years. But my problem with getting old is that I still feel like a kid, and it's creating a conflict of interest. Mostly with the people around me.
  The fact that I still feel like a kid is pretty evident to just about anyone who spends any amount of time around me. I know that it bothers many people that I still embody some childish behaviors, and to those I will tell cheerily how little of a overweight rodent's rump I care. I've also been known to tell these fine individuals to color me nine different shades of not giving a f**k.       
  But I digress. I still remember being a kid. I still remember how shiny and new the world seemed. I still remember how I knew exactly the path my life would take, and how impossibly far away being a grown-up seemed. And although I am an adult now, I still feel more like that kid then whatever the idea of being a grown-up is. Is it a bad thing? Not really, and even if it was, it's not something I have control over.
 The problem is, that as I grew older, the world became more cruel and unfair, and I couldn't stop it. Time marches on, and it doesn't care that it relentlessly crushes us under it's heel as it does. I had to witness some of the kids I grew up with become rotten adults, and I still struggle with the fact that most of the kids I went to school with have children of their own. I have watched the world change from that comforting bubble it was in my youth to a giant confusion that seems so much worse then I ever could believe. It's hard to want to be a part of it, because it's done little to impress me since I hit puberty.
 It's funny when an 18 year old I work with wants to quit his job because "he doesn't want to waste his life.". How the hell would he know what was a waste and what wasn't? He could be shooting himself in the foot for all he knows. That's an unfair thing for us humans, because you can't go back and change what you did, and you almost never know if or how exactly you're supposedly wasting it until after it's already happened.
 My girlfriend frets that she's wasting the time she has, and has gotten ticked more then once about how little I seem concerned. But the truth to me is that I know that if you worry about wasting time, it's a waste of time in itself. I could drop dead any time, for any number of reasons and I wouldn't have time for regrets. I know she means that she's worried that she's wasting the potential for a fulfilling and personally satisfying string of experiences to look back on in retrospective. Sometimes I do too, but I try my best not to worry about things I feel I have little to no control over. I tend to the view of that if I'm enjoying my life in some way, however small, it's not a complete loss.
  And the truth is, she makes me really damn happy. I never thought I'd ever meet a women that still makes me feel like being a romantic boob even after almost a year of living with each other. And the funny thing is, is that if I hadn't had that inner kid to get get me through the bad bits of my life, and the adult part of me to learn from those experiences, I don't believe I would have been able to realize how lucky I was to have met her, and not have accidentally blown off this lucky break.
 So yes, time is the ultimate bastard, but really if we could go back and change things, we'd die of old age still trying to get high school just right. But still, completely letting go of that inner kid is dumb. You can't enjoy life when EVERYTHING has to be serious, and eventually it will break your spirit. I'm a firm believer that when you have kids, you can't be a kid anymore. But it's a fine line. Because if you're too much of a kid, you're going to really care more about what you want then their needs no matter what you say(they have a show on mtv that shows this point perfectly), but if you are nothing but an adult, how can you identify with them and be the best parent for them if you let go of the part that can block out all the soul crushing responsibility so you can hear their tune? 
  Now, please excuse me. There's some teens blaring some noise that passes for music, their pants are hanging off their asses and I have to tell them how much better things were in my time...Oh wait, I didn't have to be a senior citizen to already know that. But I'm going to get in my best verbal tirades before my brain goes to mush.
  Then the real fun can start.